What's In It For Them?

“There is no human relationship that is not based on self-interest” 
― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom

Have you ever done anything you didn't want to do? You may think that the answer is yes, but is it really. You may not have wanted to go to work today because you'd rather hang out at the beach, but you wanted to go to the beach less than you wanted to continue to have a job, so you went to work. On balance, you wanted to go to work. If a mugger points a gun at you and demands your money, you may not want to give him your money, but you want not to be shot more than you want your money, so there goes the money.

Everything that you or anyone else ever does is because they want to do that thing more than any
other option. Let that sink in for a moment.

Now, consider the last time you tried to convince someone to do what you wanted them to do. Were you thinking about what you wanted or what they wanted? Too often, when we are trying to persuade, we think of our own desires and not those of the audience.

Have you ever seen a social media post along these lines:
"Hey, guys. I just started selling BeachogenalucaWay, and I'm really excited. It's an awesome opportunity. I'm trying to build a team of 20 by the end of the year and really get the word out. Please attend my virtual party and learn about the products!"

Did you do what they asked? Probably not, unless it was a very close friend, maybe a spouse or family member, which I refer to as a "compersive relationshop." But otherwise? Probably not.

Why did you not help out? Because they didn't offer you anything you want. They spoke entirely in terms of what they wanted, not what you wanted. Thus you were not interested. There is nothing wrong with that. Your responsibility is primarily to yourself (and those you are responsible for like kids and family). I'm sure you'd be happy to hear that your friend was successful with BeachogenalucaWay, but only in the same way you are pleased to hear that the unemployment rate is down when you already have a job.

What if it was worded this way?
"Hey, guys. I know some people on my friends list have been really struggling to get their weight down and get healthier. I've been using BeachogenalucaWay for a few months, and the results have been very good. I've never felt better and I've lost twenty pounds. I would really like to share because I think it can really help some of my friends. I've got an online event coming up. There's no obligation, but I think that you might learn some really useful information."

If your friend posted this and you were trying to lose weight, you would be more inclined to log in to their event. The promise of "no obligation" reduces the apparent cost and the piece is in terms of solving a problem that you have, or, put another way, in terms of what you want.

In the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, he discusses the application of this concept with children. People so often tell children to do things because they want them to.

"Be quiet, because it's too loud in here."
"Eat your vegetables because I tell you to."
"Go to bed because I have things to do."

A toddler can even be convinced
to read a book on investments
if properly motivated.

Naturally that is ineffective. More effective is putting things in the child's terms. The example in the book is that a there is a child who refuses to eat wholesome foods and they cannot get the child to eat. However, the child also has a problem with a bully who keeps stealing his tricycle. Once they explain to the child that eating well will cause him to grow more rapidly and develop more muscle to be able to stand up to bullies, the child starts eating anything offered. He wouldn't eat one string bean because his parents wanted him to, but to grow strong enough to defend himself, he'd eat pickled herring if that's what it would take.

Next time you are seeking to convince and persuade, whether it is to make a sale, earn a vote, or even get some peace and quiet, think about what the other person wants, then put your request in terms that make it beneficial to your counterpart.

Better Terrible than Mediocre

Most people do not like criticism. They do not want to hear what they are doing wrong, and would rather believe that they are doing well. Compliments feel good, so we want them. I am no different, and I love to be told I'm doing well, but a compliment is like candy, pleasant but not healthy to get too much of it. I want to get criticism every chance I can get it. Masochistic? No, allow me to explain.

The title of this post is "Better Terrible than Mediocre" because if you are terrible at something, you probably know, or at least people might tell you. If you are mediocre or adequate, people probably won't tell you. Why upset you when you are probably doing a good enough job? But, if you do not know what you are doing wrong, you do not know where you need to improve.

When I managed Gamingetc, I had a very short time to become a very good manager. I worked for a woman who was very quick to criticize and point out flaws and errors, and she wasn't nice about it. Emotionally it was overwhelming, but professionally, it was one of the best and most valuable experiences I have ever had.

If this is how you imagine yourself,
how can you findways to improve?

Achieving excellence is like carving a sculpture. You remove all the material that is not statue, and what is left is statue. Likewise, if you remove everything that is not excellence, what you have left is excellence. Before you can know where to apply the chisel, you have to identify what must be honed, and criticism is the first step of this.

The prerequisite for any of this is humility, and humility was the most important thing I learned working for Gamingetc. Humility means understanding that no matter what you are doing, no matter how experienced you are, there is probably a better way to do it, and someone else may already be using that better practice. You are not yet the statue, but still the block of wood. Before achieving that humility, you will always be surpassed by that other person out there who is better than you, but if you are humble enough to understand that improvement is always possible and often necessary, then you will seek to improve, knowing that improvement means finding your own flaws. 

Ultimately, rather than measuring yourself by how good you are now, you will only measure yourself by how much better you are today than you were in the past. This means that if you have not identified a flaw to work on this week, you will not be able to look back next week and see improvement.

The fact that I can now work as a consultant and run my own business was made possible by that experience. I don't have a boss who can tell me what to focus on, what I am doing right and wrong. This is not the first time I have tried consulting. The last time, I spent two months following my plan before I realized that the plan had a fatal flaw: there was no monetization step. I was so proud of myself for making something myself that I wasn't looking for flaws and I didn't see one so big that it nearly drove me broke. I was a block of wood that thought he was a carved statue.

ConCardia is a convention based
card game in which players collect
cards while exploring the convention.
More info at
http://www.concardia.info

Feedback and playtesting welcome!

I would much rather hear a little criticism than have to look back and be figuring out why I failed. In producing ConCardia, I am always seeking feedback for how the game could be better. An influential and highly knowledgeable fellow in the game and convention worlds was generous enough to sit down with me and work through the new rules, and he tore them apart. Over half a dozen major changes suggested, some were somewhat fundamental to the rules. He suggested we change the way we print the cards. He suggested changing the basic card drawing mechanic of the game. 

I could have gotten defensive about the fact that he was suggesting so many changes to the game that I had made. After all, it was mine, from my own creative mind. That course of action would have resulted in a highly mediocre game being produced, and probably getting the same feedback from players after we had committed to certain printing and design choices and it was too late to fix them. Instead, I wrote down each suggestion, and almost every one of them on reflection was excellent. The game is vastly improved for his input, and I took that input before it was too late to implement it.

How I must see myself at the start of every day.
A blank block, ready to be carved into something
better, removing everything that is not excellence.

I think that many people do not like criticism because most of us do not understand growth correctly. We see growth as competence built on competence, like building a structure, one block on top of another. In this mindset, criticism would be like pointing out the flaw in a block, requiring you to move backwards, removing a block and replacing it. But if you use the wood sculpture analogy instead, you realize that your growth requires constantly identifying flaws so as to chip them away to the excellent that is underneath. 

Finally, let me remind you of one more very important thing. If someone doesn't care, they'll tell you it's fine and you are good enough. Giving good, useful criticism takes effort. People only put in that effort if they care about your improvement... or at least they care about what you are doing and care enough to be sure it is done right.

Lessons Far Larger than the Office

Yesterday, I found myself involved in a fairly epic apartment moving project. I had thought that I was volunteering to help out for a couple hours with many other people. I discovered, as I was riding in the truck, which was the only way for me to get back to my car and which was not going back to my car until it was unloaded, that almost everyone else who was supposed to help had bowed out. This meant that the moving team was myself, a man of moderate strength, another slightly stronger than myself, and a roommate of limited carrying capacity but a great deal of pluck.

Did I mention that the closest place to park the truck was about 150 feet from the door?

It was during this adventure that I found that my time at American Income Life had well prepared me to tackle the unloading of this truck. What I might have seen as an impossible task a year or two ago was tackled in a reasonable period of time.

Every Obstacle is Merely a Challenge to Be Overcome

AIL has taught me that in any situation, there is a way to win, no matter how difficult it looks. The key is to focus on success in the task rather than focusing on the obstacles to the goal. A year or two ago, I would have been quite frustrated finding myself in a situation where we were expected to do more than anticipated with less resources than we should have had. Yesterday, I simply applied myself to solving the problem.

It Never Hurts To Ask

One concept that is very important to train in a new salesperson is the idea that it never hurts to ask. Most people will not be upset if you ask them for something, as long as you are willing to accept a negative answer with a pleasant smile. Thus, when I encountered a curious neighbor, I immediately asked him for assistance and he provided us with a second dolly.

Work Smarter Not Harder

When we looked at some of the things that we would have to move and the distance we would have to move them, I first thought it would take all night and possibly result in the removal of my arms. Then, I applied my large human brain to the project. By using the dollys and other tools available we were able to make short work of an impossible task.

I am not trying to suggest that my time at AIL has prepared me for a successful future in the moving industry. Rather, the concepts of pushing myself and my limits, having faith that people will help me, and being smart about how I work apply not just to creating my success in the field and in the office, but have made me a better and more successful person in all aspects of my life.